Penis Fencing: A Conversation With Myself

Hello everyone and welcome to Down The Rabbit Hole, I'm your host, Steven Berryessa.  For our very first installment of this blog I was able to sit down and talk to myself.  So here it is, a no holds barred, uncensored interview with moi.

DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE: Well, first off Steven, thank you so much for joining us today.

STEVEN BERRYESSA: My pleasure, my pleasure.

DTRH:  Now just to be clear again, this is a no-holds barred interview Steven.  I'm not going to pull any punches with these questions tonight.

SB:  That's perfectly ok.  Ask away.

DTRH:  Good.  Well lets get started.  You are a filmmaker?

SB: Yes, yes I am.  I am an independent filmmaker and I attend film school at Watkins College of Art and Design.

DTRH:  How's that going for you?

SB:  Well, its awesome actually.  I love it.  I could nothing but make movies for the rest of my life and be perfectly happy.

DTRH: That's wonderful.  However, what about the money?

SB: I'm sorry?

DTRH:  Filmmaking is supposedly part of the arts, and everyone knows there's no money in the arts.

SB:  Wait what do you mean supposedly?

DTRH: Well I mean, I don't know that I would call it art, but some do.

SB:  Oh its definitely art.

DTRH: Debatable, at best.

SB: Ha.  Ok.  So would you quantify photography as art?

DTRH:  Well sure, its like painting without the mess and all that abstract silliness.

SB:  Well technically, filmmaking could be considered photography, except you're taking twenty-four photographs per second, and the subject is moving.  And you can tell complex stories, incorporate acting, music; it really is the one art form that literally encompasses all other forms of art and brings them into one piece.

DTRH:  ... But there's still no money in it.

SB: Well actually it can be very lucrative.  Even if you don't become the next big name Hollywood director you can still make a good, honest living if you're willing to work hard.

DTRH:  ... Music.  You love music.

SB:  Yes I do.  Specifically music that is less commercial and that is real to me.

DTRH:  Lately you have been listening to a great deal of Hardcore and Punk Rock, and have recently started listening to Rap music as well.  Is this true?

SB:  Yes it is.  I love Punk music.  The raw quality and non-conformity really appeals to me.  And I have begun to enjoy some rap, Lil Wayne in particular.

DTRH:  Should I be afraid of you?

SB: (Laughing) What?

DTRH:  Should I be afraid of you and what from you should I be afraid of?

SB: I'm afraid I really don't understand.

DTRH:  You are listening to genres of music that are listened to by young angry white men and young angry black men.  Should I be scared that you are going to shave your head and beat me up for looking less like an Aryan and more like a swarthy Spaniard, or should I be afraid that you are going to take off your pants and shoot me with your nine from the window of your tricked out lowrider?  Or is it possible that you might do both?

SB:  Well, um, no.  No.  First off, you're really not all that swarthy dude.

DTRH: Matter of opinion.  And this light that I'm sitting under makes my complexion lighter than it actually is.

SB: Um, sure.  But more importantly those were both stereotypes.  Not every young man who listens to Punk Rock is a Nazi, and not everyone who listens to Rap is a Gangbanger.

DTRH:  Well, aren't stereotypes stereotypes because they're mostly true?

SB:  No.  Not at all.  They're stereotypes because of the fear of misunderstanding of ignorant people.

DTRH:  Wow.  That was kind of mean.

SB:  Well, you were the one who was just dealing in stereotypes.

DTRH:  I can tell this is getting a little heated.  Shall we move on?

SB:  Ok sure I think that would be a good idea.

DTRH:  You have a girlfriend.

SB:  Yes, I do.  The world's best.

DTRH:  That sir would be a ridiculous statement if it weren't so true.

SB:  Seriously man.  I am one lucky bastard.

DTRH:  The luckiest bastard.  She is a hottie.  One sexy momma.  I envy you.

SB:  Um, thank you.  Have you been looking at my girlfriend?

DTRH:  Excuse me.  I am a man too ok.  I have eyes.  How could I not look at her?  She is gorgeous, and so talented and...just...wow.  So give a brotha a break ok.  

SB:  Well I've got my eyes on you from now on pal.

DTRH:  How long have you two been together now?

SB: Almost two years in fact.

DTRH:  Wow.  Congratulations.  You tell her that if she starts getting tired of you to give me a call.  (Laughing) I kid I kid!  But seriously tell her.

SB:  Yeah, not going to happen bud.

DTRH:  Lets switch gears here, and talk about animals.  You like animals?

SB:  Oh yeah.  We have two dogs and a badass cat.  We had horses and chickens for a while when I was a kid, and my girlfriend and I want to have ferrets when we get married.

DTRH:  Interesting.  On the subject of large rodents: Possums.  You have stated on numerous occasions that you hate Possums more than any other creature that walks this planet, and that you would take any opportunity to destroy them.

SB:  That is true, yes.  I hate them.  They're nasty giant rats that love nothing more than to murder your adorable little baby chickens.

DTRH:  So why do you swerve when they run out in front of you at night?

SB: Excuse me?

DTRH:  I think you heard me.

SB: Um, well, because I don't want possum guts all over the bottom of my car...

DTRH:  I'm calling bullshit on this one.

SB:  Excuse me? 

DTRH:  Bullshit.  You swerve because you've turned soft and respect life too much to end it for no reason.

SB: What?!  No!  

DTRH: Pussy.

SB: Hey fuck you man!  That is completely unnecessary!  I am a total fucking badass!  I was arrested for assault you prick!  I just drive an old car, ok!  I have to baby it!  I can't get... possum guts all over it.  And the shocks might crack or something.

DTRH: Your shocks might crack from running over a possum?

SB: Sure...  They might.  What I'm saying is I don't respect the life of giant filthy rats ok.  I'm just... biding my time.  

DTRH:  Sure you are, Limp Dick.

SB:  Seriously man you should watch your mouth!  I am not a good guy to mess with unless you are low on your daily dose of having your ass handed to you!

DTRH:  Just keep talking Chicken Shit.  You can't even run over a possum.

SB:  Dude I am seriously about to take you out back and go Fight Club all over your ass.

DTRH: Baaaaawwk bawk bawk bawk.  Chicken Shit.

SB:  Ok, you know what, I don't need this shit.  I'm out.  This interview is done.  This had better not end up on your stupid blog you asshole!

DTRH:  Thanks Steve!  Drive safe now.